A New Page

One day you wake up with a ring on your finger and a classroom full of kiddos that you are responsible for and you wonder just what happened. How did you get here? I mean yesterday you were crying because God wasn't listening and today you don't know if you are dream Kayla or real Kayla. And then it hits you. He knows. He listens. So keep talking friends. He hears your anger and feels it. He hears your pain and feels it. He hears your wanting and begging and feels it. He hears your patience and feels it. He hears your joy and feels it. He hears your rest and feels it. Keep talking...

Stay Tuned

It's been awhile. But this is something I used to love to do and so I'm coming back. Stay tuned...

Fighting for Fellowship...

A thousand voices clamor for our attention, and a thousand causes vie for our support. But until we have learned to be satisfied with fellowship with God, until He is our rock and our fortress, we will be restless with our place in this world. -Erwin W. Lutzer

Spinning

Things don't just stop because I am not ready for them to keep moving. Lesson learned: The world keeps spinning, and quite quickly at that.

Torn

I got an email from Lawrence today, the headmaster in the school in Uganda. This afternoon I just wanted to go back. I wanted to be in the hot sun with red dirt on my feet hearing Simon and Lawrence give me wisdom in their broken English while I walked through the clinic and looked after those sweet babies. I wanted to go out back and play "Dock, Dock, Boose" with the school aged kids in the afternoon.I wanted to kick a soccer ball made of paper around and have them laugh at me because I am just awful at futbol. I wanted to sit and help make dinner next to the fire while the sun was going down.

But Jesus is calling me here. I will pray for Uganda. I will miss those kids and those men with my whole heart. My heart may feel torn but I know that for this time Jesus has called me here. Praise Him.

And what shall we say?

...The Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those he justified he also glorified. What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8: 27-31

So what shall we say? There is nothing more.

That Small Voice

Today I didn't wake up on time. No, I didn't. I hit the snooze button twice. And I didn't wear earrings that matched my outfit. I didn't mean to, but I was running late and then I forgot to put them on. I spilled my coffee all over my car. It is a good thing none of my students were around, because I would not have wanted them copying the word I mumbled as I tried to find the paper towels. At school I felt like my communication was off. Something was amiss. My lessons were crummy. My questions for understanding just weren't making sense. My jokes weren't funny (and everything is funny to a second grader, so I was REALLY lame.) I kept running over time. I lost my patience twice. Things just weren't going my way. Things were just consuming my mind. When I sat to work after school I felt so drained. That small voice in the back of my head was telling me I had made an impact in the classroom today, but it was a negative one. Then something special happened. Then he came back. One of my students forgot his homework and came back to grab it.

"Ms. Edwards, before I go can you show me one more time how to ungroup the tens? I just don't get it."

I was on the verge of tears after my evaluation of self. I managed to choke them back and pull out the base ten blocks.

"Sure." We worked for about 10 minutes, trying it together, and then I stepped back to let him work. He had it. He actually got it.

"Thanks Ms. Edwards."

That was worth it. But that wasn't all. He peeked his head back in.

"You are going to make a really great teacher next year. Your students are going to be real lucky."

Then I choked back tears for another reason. I am choosing to listen to this small voice instead.

The form doesn't exactly support that...

I was just going through Plant:Uganda forms seeing what new sponsors we have and if any people have signed up for communications so I, selfishly, can email for help, when I ran across the following:

"We want to sponsor two children at $100/month but the form doesn't exactly support that."

Ha. You're right. You don't have that option. I'll get right on that...

Faith

Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted in spite of your changing moods. -C.S. Lewis

Now FAITH is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1


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I may be weak. But YOUR spirit is strong in me. My flesh may fail. But my God you never will. Give me Faith to trust what you say. That You're good, and You're love is great. I'm broken inside, I give you my life. -Elevation Worship

I am so thankful that I serve a God that is faithful when I am faithless. When my flesh fails and my moods shift, he is ever constant and never changing. What a Mighty God.

Restless

"I am restless. I am athirst for faraway things. My soul goes out in a longing to touch the skirt of the dim distance. O Great Beyond, O the keen call..." -Rabindranath Tagore

To the Ends of the Earth....or the End of my Driveway

He said to them: " It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my wintesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." After he said this, he was taken up before their very eyes, and a cloud hid him from their sight. Acts 1:7-9

I must confess, I have had the worst attitude since my return from Uganda. I have been broken and I am eager to return to that place, to love those people, and to share the love of my savior with them. When someone asks me about how things are going, they will get a smile and a simple answer. When they ask me about Uganda, they will get hours of stories, talk of my heart, and discussion about a call on my life. So what is missing? What is the problem? The Lord calls us to go to the ends of the earth, it seems to line up, right?

Wrong.

I have done my people here such an injustice. I have come home and struggled with love for the people I have grown up with all of my life. I see excess, a community that needs more and more. I see wealth beyond compare and think about how that wealth could be used for those sweet children I held, those wounded mothers with nothing, those strong men doing everything to send their children to school. I begin to compare and, in turn, begin to hate. I grow restless in my own skin and cannot wait until the day when I can answer his call.

That is why the passage In Acts is so important, so relevant. Yes, God calls us to the ends of the earth. I pray that one day I may go and serve in such a manner. But God also calls us to be his witness in our Jerusalem, our home. I am here for at least a year. And I do LOVE my city. As I have settled back into Raleigh God has begun breaking my heart for what breaks his. He loves his people here and wants to see them come back to him. And if I am here for a year then that is my calling.


So may I run hard after him wherever I am, loving his people like he would love them. And, when I let myself get in the way as I did after Uganda, may he humble my heart and bring me back, showing me what true love is.

Philippians 2:3-4
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interest, but also to the interest of others.

Let us Love. Love as One Greater.

Let us love. Let us love unconditionally and fully. Let us love with our whole hearts, to the point where our hearts break and our souls are pained. Let us love in weakness. Let us love in strength. Let us love our brothers and sisters when joy overflows and laughter abounds. Let us love our enemies when the road is bumpy and the path seems unclear. Let others know us by our love. May those around us look into our eyes and see the eyes of Christ, touch our hands and feel the warmth of His skin, hear our voice and be calmed by His words, sit next to us broken hearted and know that they have been in the presence of one greater than ourselves. May they leave our presence knowing they have come in contact with more than broken people, although that is what we are, but may they leave us knowing that they have come in contact with a Creator, a Father, a Savior. May they do so because we are so in step with the Spirit that we lose track of ourselves in light of those around us. Let us love.

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Philippians 2:1-4

Responsible...

Lord, now that I have seen, I am responsible. Faith without deeds is dead. Now that I have held you in my own arms I cannot let go until you are...

I have been back for one week. One week. Where are the words?

Uganda. I will tell what I have seen. You will not be a simple memory. You are now my life. You are my heart.

A prophet came to Paul while he was visiting the disciples, telling him that if he went to Jerusalem, the very place he was about to go, that he would be bound. If I heard this news, I would like to say I would respond with reckless abandon, following God to Jerusalem where I had just been called. But a voice in the back of my head says, "Paul, you are crazy! A PROPHET just warned you of your fate. What are you doing?!?" But Paul doesn't flinch.

Acts 21: 12-14
"When we heard this, we and the people there pleaded with Paul not to go up to Jerusalem. Then Paul answered, Why are you weeping and breaking my heart? I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die in Jerusalem for the name of the Lord Jesus." When he would not be dissuaded, we gave up and said, "The Lord's will be done."

If you don't know the story, Paul goes to Jerusalem and does what Paul does best: gets arrested, for the glory of the Lord. Even while being arrested he gives his testimony to the crowd. It is a great story, one I recommend reading. It is one that really got me thinking, what makes a man do that? Where does he get such courage, such devotion. I love the Lord, but when have I EVER shown it in such a manner? Never, and it is because I am loving the Lord, but I am loving him so comfortably that I don't ever have to give anything up. And honestly, I have met very few who have lived in this way. I have read their stories, yes. Stories of those who are following the movement of the Spirit within them. Those who are uncomfortable with the comfort of this world. Those who would stand next to Paul meaning it when they say "I am ready not only to be bound, but also to die for the name of the Lord Jesus. The Lord's will be done."

The beautiful thing about this kind of work, about this kind of action, is that it is not actually a courage or a martyrdom of our own. As humans we do not posses this kind of servant-like heart on our own. When I ask the question, what makes a man do that, go to a city where he knows he will be arrested for preaching Christ, I already know. It is not who he is, because we, as men, are selfish and weak. It has to be the work of the Spirit within us, and the work of the Spirit, the leading and prodding of the Spirit within our lives, this work is never easy. It is work that cannot be accomplished by human efforts, nor would humans wish to put their efforts into it.

"The truth is that the Spirit of the Living God is guaranteed to ask you to go somewhere or do something you wouldn't normally want or choose to do. The Spirit will lead you to the way of the cross, as He led Jesus to the cross, and that is definitely not a safe or pretty or comfortable place to be."

Francis Chan Forgotten God

So with these truths in mind, why do we look so comfortable? If we really have the Holy Spirit living inside of us, challenging us to follow the way of the cross, why do we resemble the world. Why do the paths we take go alongside those who could care less about our savior?

No reason.

Sometimes you just want to sit with your daddy. Today is one of those days.

A Stack of Letters

I just stuffed the envelopes that hold the letters that I will send to those friends and family members I know and love. You know... the envelopes asking them for money to send me to Uganda. Ohhhh yeah! Those envelopes. The ones I have been dreading to send. The ones I have been embarrassed to send. The ones my PRIDE has been keeping me from preparing. Oh yeah, those envelopes.

But a funny thing happened while I was stuffing them, writing the names, praying over each family and their willingness to give. I began to get so, so excited. I mean smile-spread-across-your-face-can't-hold-it-in-call-your-neighbor excited. God did it again. He changed me. He humbled me. All while I was licking an envelope.

You see, those envelopes are the first step in this trip that God has called me on. They are the first connection I have with Uganda. The first chance I have to actively trust in and rely on God. I have always been able to mouth "God, I trust you" while really placing my faith in my own hands, words, or actions. I have always had a backup plan, a savings account, some means of salvation other than the Father. I told Him I trusted Him, but I knew if He failed me, I always had my safety net. But right now, as I look at those envelopes, those are all I have. I don't have a backup plan. No savings account. I put my yes on the table not knowing how to get there, and this is where He led me, putting my pride on the line and asking people for help. And strangely enough, I am wildly excited about it. I have no say in what God will prompt people to give, if God will prompt people to give. I have no say in how long I will have to wait for an answer for my prayers for support. I have no say in if people will support. All I know is that I am trusting in Him to provide, and I have never felt such freedom.

So as I sit here and look at this stack of letters, I am so excited. I am bracing myself for what the Lord is going to do, because when God moves, whether in a flood or in a still, small voice, His movement revolutionizes and changes people. He is already moving in my life. Keep moving Lord. Keep changing me.

Lord, I believe.

I am going to Uganda. It is something that I have wanted to do since I was in high school, and I never got the chance to do it. Even with this trip, I almost said no because I don't have a dime to spare. I have absolutely no way to pay for the trip. For some reason, the Lord has silenced my fears and assured me that he will provide. It wasn't like this two weeks ago. It wasn't even like this two days ago. As I wrote my support letter yesterday I had to time out, stop, and write a prayer in my journal.

"I believe; help my unbelief." Mark 9:24

This morning as I spent some time in prayer about the trip, about the people of Uganda, about my team, and about my own heart. I had to stop and praise. I felt an overwhelming peace as I rested in the fact that I knew God would provide. I am unsure of where the money will come from. I am unsure of how I will raise it. I am simply sure that it will come. The beauty of this fact is that God will receive TOTAL glory, because I have NOTHING to do with getting myself to Uganda. I am simply stepping out in faith in my Father, something we Christians should do daily. Something, I am ashamed to admit, I am doing for the first time in my walk.

I got a phone call today. I haven't even sent out letters yet, but someone very unexpected wants to give $500 to my trip.

Lord, I believe.

Costly Grace

Is it possible to take up your cross, to truly take up your cross and follow Christ and live like an American? God is beginning to convince me that it is not possible to live a life of comfort and ignore the cries of His people all around us. He is doing so through scripture. Through teaching. Through breaking me and making me uncomfortable in my own surroundings, in my own life. Through making me aware. Through reflection. Through conversation. Through relationship with a few key believers who are being challenged in similar ways. He is doing so intentionally. You see, Christianity should look Radical. Faith Based. Trying. Full of indescribable joy. Sacrificial. Scary at times. Necessary of trust in our God. Father. Master. Maker. Guider. Keeper. Healer. Provider.

As I sat and talked to a dear friend about this very idea yesterday I was so excited because I was talking to someone who gets it. Someone who wasn't just smiling and nodding at me, someone who wasn't just looking past me, or listening with eyes that said "that's radical and all good for you...but..." I mean, this friend really gets it, and this friend is really going to live it, which is so encouraging. And then, as I talked about my prayers for my life, he offered a solid challenge. I let him know what I was praying about when I graduate. Does God want me to:

A: Give up this life of comfort and move overseas to teach and work with children of another country for His namesake.
or
B: Give up this life of comfort and move to downtown Raleigh working with Hunter Elementary or another low-income school to renew this city for His namesake.

As I discussed my heart and my prayers he simply mentioned one thing that shook me. While it is important to pray for the future, we need to pray for now. We need to carry our cross now. This week. Tomorrow. Twenty minutes from now. How does God want us to live sacrificially, thinking of ourselves as the least of these RIGHT NOW? How does he want us to give it all up right now? Why wait?

And so I ask, are you living in a manner that shows that you are a follower of Christ? Are you carrying your cross? This is not just a phrase that we can pass over because we have heard it a thousand times, this is a life changing, uncomfortable, faith based lifestyle. It hurts. It means giving it all. It means following the Lord where it doesn't really make sense. It means moving into a smaller house, driving a cheaper car, and giving up the nicer clothes because that money should go to someone in need. It means going to the nations, even though you will give it ALL up, all of your comforts, because people need to hear the name of Jesus. It means looking like a fool around that girl in your class because you are standing up for and speaking up for the one who shed his blood for you. We can't be silent. We can't be still. We have to look different, radical. So why do so many of us look just like the world? Why do I have such a hard time living in a way that puts zero trust in myself, and all trust in my Father?

Lord, teach me how to take up my cross today. May others do the same, but should none go with me, still I will follow you. Help me lose my life in you.

Lord, Teach Me.

Lord, this day, teach me to speak to you. I am a woman of unclean lips, but I want to come before you. Teach me to love you, for I am but a broken hearted girl who gives that heart away to this world, too easily forgetting what True Love is. Teach me to think on you, for I am a human, bruised and broken by the fall, mind corrupted, full of anxiety and worry. Teach me to see like you, for my eyes are tainted for myself with ambition that reflects only my desires and needs, filtering out the pain of both believers and nonbelievers around me. Lord, teach me to serve like you, without thoughts of what I may receive in return, but with thoughts of bringing ultimate glory to my Father in heaven. Lord, teach me to be like you.

Philippians 2:1-11

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.
Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:

Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death- even death on a cross... to the glory of God the Father.

You are still God

You are stripping away the parts that I hide behind. Breaking the fortress that I lean on. This comfort that was once so easy has fallen around me. The people that were once so supportive are beginning to fail. The places that once felt at home are not as friendly. I am so unsettled here and I don't know why. God, you are tearing and ripping, and just when I think you are finished, just when I think I can dry my eyes, something else falls. It is no accident that you are making me uncomfortable, it is true I was far too complacent with the day to day I was walking in. Far too happy with the life I had created for myself. I needed you, but I didn't need you. I didn't even realize it. Forgive me for walking in comfort. Thank you for waking me up. Thank you for refining me.

I will bring praise.

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

I will bring praise.