Saturday, May 30, 2009


Since when are am I old enough? When did I cross that invisible line from child to adult? My friends are graduating from college and beginning their careers, others are getting married and starting families. I mean, even now I am sitting in a coffee shop halfway across the world. I just left my pension (by myself,) followed the map (by myself,) found this place with free wi-fi (by myself,) struggled to order a plain cup of coffee (by myself,) paid 25 ck (by myself,) and took a few minutes to just take in the scene, the suddenly familiar atmosphere of conversation that I don't understand in a world that I am growing to love. But when did I become ready to set out alone? I am fine with it, happy to be growing and learning and experiencing. I am just confused as to when it happened.
I remember being a kid and riding my bike to the store. That, for me, was being old enough. I remember taking off down the street alone, Miss Independent, sure of what I was doing. I remember forgetting to make a turn, getting to the end of the street, and panicking. I also remember turning around and seeing my dad in the car behind me. He had followed me to make sure I got there ok. I thought I was going alone, but really he was there all along, checking just to make sure I was going to be ok. Of course I was angry and embarassed. Why did he follow me? Why didn't he just let me do it alone? But something inside of me was grateful for his never ending support. And here, though he and my family aren't sitting outside of this coffee shop in the Czech Republic, I am thankful for their never ending support.
This doesn't, however, answer my initial question, since when am I old enough? The above situations I can handle. Being old enough to be on my own, old enough to make my own decisions, old enough to be me. I am not ready, however, to be me with someone else. A very close friend of mine got married while I was flying to Prague, and I just want to know, when did we become old enough to unite with another for the rest of our lives? When did we become ready to make every decision with another person in mind? Are we really ready to give selflessly in every action? Do we really know what love is? He didn't then. He acted like he did. He said he did. He certainly wrote about how he did. Only a few years separate that boy and this man.He didn't know how to love then, does he now? My mind just searches every corner for some sign, some telling fact that would show me that I am at that level in my life. Am I, too, old enough for such commitment? Then those corners of my mind whisper back the answer I knew all along. I know it is not about age. Age does not make you ready. What is it then? Will I know? Sometimes I feel like such a failure in this area. I feel like I can handle every area of my life, but my heart, no not my heart. That is the area that I keep trying to mend and repair. The area that I won't let anyone have.
This brings me back to the question I asked before, since when am I old enough? Well, I am and I am not. I don't know that one is ever old enough. That is the excitment of it all. You just step out, not knowing what you are doing or where you are going. In the process of doing, that is how you grow. That is how you become ready. So while I am not by any means ready now, I will be. Someday.

Words by Stephen Speaks that describe my heart in a way that I can't.

I can take it. I can move on.
But I still care for your letters.
I will make it. I can be strong.
But I still care for your letters.
Maybe someday. Maybe someday. Just not today.
Maybe someday. Just not today.
I could fake it. Maybe I should.
Because I still care for your pictures.
And I will make it. You knew I would.
But I still care for your pictures.
Maybe someday. Maybe someday. Just not today.
I said maybe someday. I said maybe someday.
Maybe someday I will be free from these memories that are haunting me.
Maybe someday I can take that box and put it outside my door.
I have accepted. This is how it should be. But I still can’t throw away your letters.
And I’m as happy as I could be. But I still can’t throw away your letters.
Maybe someday. Maybe someday. Just not today.

1 comment:

Dan said...

Glad you're blogging again, Kayla! Good thoughts!