An answer to prayer...

I hate being angry. It is funny, though, how the smallest things can change my mood from smiles to glares. I wish I knew what set it off, but I can't even figure myself out. Little things add up until I just explode, but not really. I just get very quiet. I don't talk to anyone. I crank the Frank. The signs of an angry Kayla are obvious. Then when I look back at exactly what added up the this anger I see myself as ridiculous. A car going slow. No parking space. Plans not working out exactly as expected. Waiting in line. All things that are no big deal, things that can easily teach one patience. Oh, and speaking of, here is a line from my prayer journal written on Friday morning.

"I see myself struggling with patience. Patience with those around me. Patience with life. Patience with You and the plan You have for my life. Lord, teach me this patience I long for."

And He answers, exactly one day later. But I can't see my circumstances as an answer to prayer, I see them as reason to get frustrated. I act like a two year old. I fail yet again. I am so thankful that I serve a God who is patient with me, a girl who is the ultimate source of frustration. A God who accepts the cries of a sinner. A God who sees me on my knees begging for forgiveness more times than can be counted, and a God who picks me up time and time again.

Thoughts of the Sleepless

Well, 5:00 in the morning finds me sleepless and nursing a nagging cough. I finally decided to get up a few minutes ago, and since the busy day gives me very little opportunity to write, I concluded that this is the perfect time. A lot has happened since I last blogged. I went to Washington D.C. with the Park Scholars class of 2011. It was an AMAZING trip. I really miss being with those guys. It is so hard to get all of us together. When you have 50 overachieving young adults you can't even get five minutes for coffee! It is ridiculous. Anyways, we learned about the economy and what is happening to our nations money. We heard speakers about the national debt and the problems that the candidates are refusing to address in a manner with any backbone: social security and medicare. They refuse to address it because no matter what they say voters will be lost. Americans are NOT willing to sacrifice for the greater good of anyone else, and any candidate asking them to do so would immediately become extremely unpopular. It is kind of frustrating. Actually, I am really frustrated with Washington in general. Politicians are extremely "me" centered. The foundation of our United States is one of corruption. The more I learn the more frustration I feel. But don't get me started on this, I still don't know enough to have intelligent conversation about it nor to propose a solution, so until then my political opinions are confined to my head and my blog. Anyways, back to the trip. It was really good bonding. I had some great conversation with the Assistant (hopefully soon official) director, Eva. I really like her. She comes across as intimidating at first, but once you spend time with her you see her for who she is, and who she is is great. I also had some great bonding with the Parks on the train ride home. We had a few technical difficulties and what should have taken 5 hours took 7. About 25 of us ended up piling into one small section and singing random 90's songs for about an hour. It was incredibly fun, the kind of fun where you say anything because you are so tired. We laughed until we cried. We had arms and legs everywhere. It was crazy, and I will never forget it.

Enjoy Each Moment

I am beginning to get a little homesick, something that I do not want to admit. I have not been home in a few months, and it is beginning to take its toll. I have always been extremely close with my sisters, and every time I talk to them I find out new (and life changing) things that are going on in their lives. My youngest sister is running for class president. I am so proud of the woman she is becoming. She is her own person. She doesn't follow the crowd, she stands up for her beliefs, she is brilliant, she is beautiful. I hate that I am missing the key growing points in her life. In a year she will transition from middle to highschool, and I won't be there. I am afraid I am not going to know when she makes National Honor Society, or when a boy asks her out, or when she picks out the perfect prom dress. It started with the small details. I didn't know what shirt she was wearing or who she was talking to on the phone. From there it grew. I didn't know that she made an "A" in math. The details of her life keep getting more and more fuzzy. And what is worse is that this is not only true for one sister, but for two. Taylor is walking through her sophomore year of highschool. She is experiencing the struggles of a teenage girl, and I am not just across the hall anymore. And the scary thing is that she doesn't call. I miss both of them so much that it hurts. I don't want to blink for fear of missing something. But I can't live life like that. And so I just have to enjoy each moment I get to spend with them, each time I get to hear their voices on the phone, each surprise text and letter in the mail. I just have to be there to love them no matter what. We share a bond that time and distance can't break. Those two beautiful ladies will ALWAYS be my sisters, and for that I will always be thankful.

Undeserved Friendship

I have been blessed in my life with an incredible group of friends. The kind of friends who you can really be yourself around. The kind that shares in your joy, hurts with your pain, cries with your heartbreak, and laughs with you after an embarrassing moment. The thing is, most people wait their entire lives for just one friend like this. They look and look, changing their personalities to fit in with different groups, seeking the approval of those who they wish they could be. This is something I don't have to worry about. I can sing in that off-pitch voice and dance that rhythm less dance and still, somehow, they love me. I can share with them the deepest struggles of my life. You know, those things that you hide away so no one sees just how imperfect you are. I can bring those things to light, be completely open and vulnerable, and know that I will not be judged, but I will be lifted up in prayer. I am so thankful I can feel the love of Christ pouring out of those around me. It is something I do not deserve.