Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Perfectly Content

I can't explain the feeling inside of me right now. It is a hunger. It is a thirst. It is a longing. It is what I have been praying for (for weeks now.) I was in a bit of...a slump. I felt as though I wanted to want Christ. I wanted to be in His word. I wanted to desire Him over all else. But when I sat down at the end of the day, my heart was not longing for Him. And then, after much prayer, I felt renewed. I don't know when it happened. I can't pinpoint the reason or the event. But I noticed it today when I was doing my quiet time. I couldn't get enough. And then as I was praying and thinking back on the day I felt a genuine joy. A love. An appreciation for my God and Savior.

Also, my extreme discomfort in the field of romance has passed. I am so happy with friendship. Searching for a boyfriend is tiring. Playing the part to win a guy- It is worthless. I am not by any means ready for marriage, so why waste time on pointless relationships right now. Why not spend time pouring into guys around me, loving them, growing with them? Why not do so selflessly without worry of how they will respond in return? There are some really great guys surrounding me right now. Guys who believe in seeking Christ first. Guys who respect women because women are daughters of Christ. A guy actually wrote about that in His blog (that I read today.) Just reading his thoughts about pursuing the good of the girl in a relationship over self-satisfying interests was so amazing to me. It gave me hope in guys again. It made me realize that I should do the same for my guy friends. I should do everything to protect our friendship and stay away from any misleading actions.

Finally, I love serving other people. I realized that I am the most happy when I am pouring into others. I love doing little things for people, things they may never thank me for, but things that can make all the difference in the world. I pray that God would open my eyes to these opportunities. I am often too busy focusing on myself to pick up on them. I just love to be used by God in the small things. I never wish to be the big name who receives the credit. I am perfectly happy on the sidelines. I thank God for putting me here.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

It's the weekend...

Ok...so it has been a few days...

First, and most importantly, church this morning was simply amazing. To sum it up I post these lyrics from Come Thou Fount. If you don't know this song you need to look it up. It is amazing.

Come, thou Fount of every blessing, tune my heart to sing thy grace; streams of mercy, never ceasing, call for songs of loudest praise. Teach me some melodious sonnet, sung by flaming tongues above. Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it, mount of thy redeeming love.

Here I raise mine Ebenezer; hither by thy help I'm come; and I hope, by thy good pleasure, safely to arrive at home. Jesus sought me when a stranger, wandering from the fold of God; he, to rescue me from danger, interposed his precious blood.

O to grace how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be! Let thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to thee. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love; here's my heart, O take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.

I can't help but be humbled when I think of Christ. I have done nothing to deserve him. HE sought me, not the other way around. I catch my pride swelling when I do "good things." Praise God that he busts through this huge balloon of ego that I have and sends me back down to reality. And when I am not prideful in my walk, I am wandering and giving my heart to others. I just pray that last line. I am prone to wander and leave, but I just pray that God would take my heart and seal it for His purpose and His glory. I pray for a thirst for God. A soul that is not content with my current condition. A soul that is seeking with full force the things of the Lord. A soul that is constantly singing the songs of loudest praise that are tuned to the grace of my Savior.

Second on my mind...well not really on my mind...but part of my life. Last night Sarah and I went to the Estate and cooked dinner for the guys and it was SOOO FUN! We made Fajitas and this Peanut Butter/Chocolate dessert thing. It looked a little something like those on the left. Yes they were amazing (if I do say so myself.)

Dinner was so good (I was a little proud) and we even got a round of applause from the guys. This adventure just made me even more excited to have my own house with my own kitchen. I absolutely love to cook. I like looking up really difficult dishes and seeing if I can make them all come together. I hope to be REALLY good one day and have kids that talk about my cooking the way Caitlin talks about her mom's cooking. Once I achieve that I will be a happy girl. :)

Monday, September 8, 2008

So this is goodbye.

So this is goodbye. This is what I have fought against for so long. But, once again, I have lost. I am finally able to close that door and move on. Thank you for making me do so, for slamming it shut in my face. You see, I tricked myself into believing I had said goodbye a long time ago, when in reality I was still holding on, watching you slip away. The only question I have is this: where does this leave me? I mean, where do I go from here. But that is what is exciting. For so long I have been looking through your window, sneaking through your door. Now that it is locked I am forced to turn around and discover my own room, my own life. And to be honest, I really like it. I never noticed all my side had to offer. So I will see you later. Maybe some day I will invite you over, but for now, Goodbye.

Saturday, September 6, 2008


I am not gonna lie. I have been struggling lately. I go through phases in my "love life" where I am perfectly content being single. Then, I hit these bumps where I begin to wonder why I haven't had a boyfriend in so very long. Yes, I have had these "things" with guys where we hang out like we are dating, but the guy never makes a move to make any sort of commitment to me. Then, I have no right to be upset when he doesn't call, or when he doesn't mention me, or he doesn't see me. This has, in fact, been happening to me since the 8th grade. So my question is as follows: WHY? I don't want to be so serious that we make everyone around us sick. I don't want anything to change really, except the fact that the guy acknowledges that he has made somewhat of a commitment to me. That's it...the assurance that I will mean something in his life.
Then, as I look back over the previous paragraph, I begin to question my motive for a relationship. I don't want to jump into something with the first guy who asks. Obviously I am picky when it comes to guys, and that may explain my lack of relationship since the eighth grade. But there have been guys who I REALLY liked who just dropped the ball. I guess it is better that way, I know it is better that way, but that doesn't change the hurricane of thoughts about the subject in my head. OH the pain of being a girl with emotion!
Wrapping up, I am going to say this. I have waited almost 20 years so far, I can keep waiting. And I refuse to settle. I refuse to have saved myself and my kiss for someone who will not appreciate the sacrifice. I refuse to date someone who will not respect that sacrifice. And by the time all of this sinks in tomorrow, I will be happy being single again! It is how I work. It is crazy I know.

To finish up, there is another part of my heart that will best be shared with a song by one of my favorite authors and singers, Tara Leigh Cobble. She has experienced some of the same pain I have, and writes much better than I could ever try to write.

It Won't Be You
My love for you is packed up in a suitcase that I had to sit on the lid to close.
Never returned, just tucked into a handkerchief that I never will unfold.
I'll set it down now, I'll let it go. I'm moving on now, just so you know.

Love--he will look for me first In any crowded room.
Love--is waiting up ahead. He will swear I hung the moon.
I finally know the truth. It won't be you.

I am just like Jacobs love for Rachel. I am seven years gone up in flames.
I have become a shame to my own father. All for the keeping of his name.
Nothing's changing, it's all the same. Nothing's changing, it's all the same.

Love--he will look for me first in any crowded room.
Love--is waiting up ahead. He will swear I hung the moon.
I finally know the truth. It won't be you.

I am haunted by a quiet pain.
There's a ghost above my bed.
But it was only love inside my head.