An answer to prayer...

I hate being angry. It is funny, though, how the smallest things can change my mood from smiles to glares. I wish I knew what set it off, but I can't even figure myself out. Little things add up until I just explode, but not really. I just get very quiet. I don't talk to anyone. I crank the Frank. The signs of an angry Kayla are obvious. Then when I look back at exactly what added up the this anger I see myself as ridiculous. A car going slow. No parking space. Plans not working out exactly as expected. Waiting in line. All things that are no big deal, things that can easily teach one patience. Oh, and speaking of, here is a line from my prayer journal written on Friday morning.

"I see myself struggling with patience. Patience with those around me. Patience with life. Patience with You and the plan You have for my life. Lord, teach me this patience I long for."

And He answers, exactly one day later. But I can't see my circumstances as an answer to prayer, I see them as reason to get frustrated. I act like a two year old. I fail yet again. I am so thankful that I serve a God who is patient with me, a girl who is the ultimate source of frustration. A God who accepts the cries of a sinner. A God who sees me on my knees begging for forgiveness more times than can be counted, and a God who picks me up time and time again.

Waiting

I am not gonna lie. I have been struggling lately. I go through phases in my "love life" where I am perfectly content being single. Then, I hit these bumps where I begin to wonder why I haven't had a boyfriend in so very long. Yes, I have had these "things" with guys where we hang out like we are dating, but the guy never makes a move to make any sort of commitment to me. Then, I have no right to be upset when he doesn't call, or when he doesn't mention me, or he doesn't see me. This has, in fact, been happening to me since the 8th grade. So my question is as follows: WHY? I don't want to be so serious that we make everyone around us sick. I don't want anything to change really, except the fact that the guy acknowledges that he has made somewhat of a commitment to me. That's it...the assurance that I will mean something in his life.
Then, as I look back over the previous paragraph, I begin to question my motive for a relationship. I don't want to jump into something with the first guy who asks. Obviously I am picky when it comes to guys, and that may explain my lack of relationship since the eighth grade. But there have been guys who I REALLY liked who just dropped the ball. I guess it is better that way, I know it is better that way, but that doesn't change the hurricane of thoughts about the subject in my head. OH the pain of being a girl with emotion!
Wrapping up, I am going to say this. I have waited almost 20 years so far, I can keep waiting. And I refuse to settle. I refuse to have saved myself and my kiss for someone who will not appreciate the sacrifice. I refuse to date someone who will not respect that sacrifice. And by the time all of this sinks in tomorrow, I will be happy being single again! It is how I work. It is crazy I know.

To finish up, there is another part of my heart that will best be shared with a song by one of my favorite authors and singers, Tara Leigh Cobble. She has experienced some of the same pain I have, and writes much better than I could ever try to write.

It Won't Be You
My love for you is packed up in a suitcase that I had to sit on the lid to close.
Never returned, just tucked into a handkerchief that I never will unfold.
I'll set it down now, I'll let it go. I'm moving on now, just so you know.

Love--he will look for me first In any crowded room.
Love--is waiting up ahead. He will swear I hung the moon.
I finally know the truth. It won't be you.

I am just like Jacobs love for Rachel. I am seven years gone up in flames.
I have become a shame to my own father. All for the keeping of his name.
Nothing's changing, it's all the same. Nothing's changing, it's all the same.

Love--he will look for me first in any crowded room.
Love--is waiting up ahead. He will swear I hung the moon.
I finally know the truth. It won't be you.

I am haunted by a quiet pain.
There's a ghost above my bed.
But it was only love inside my head.